…when the meds kick in…

Yeah, because when my meds kick in, I have absolutely no feelings of negativity.  It’s definitely not a case of my being better able to restrain myself from saying what I really think. *eyeroll*

No, let’s just cut the crap right now. When my meds kick in, I will still feel as though my husband thinks I’m stupid and crazy. I will still feel that I am nothing more than something to occasionally have sex with (see? I censored myself from how I really feel – I’m giving my readers the sanitized version) – I just don’t even enjoy sex anymore, I’d rather make a grocery list. I will still feel that I’m fat and unattractive. I guess he’s just convinced himself that all of these things don’t exist when I’m “medicated”, as though I’ll no longer feel that way. Yes, I’ll still feel all of these things, I will simply be much more able to pretend they don’t exist.

Earlier this evening we got into it. Apparently now home birth is something that I have “crammed down his throat”. Really? Because I was very much under the impression that he was for it. He even stated that his big concern with hospital birth was that we’re red-flagged by DCS now. The last thing either of us wanted was some asshole from DCS showing up in our hospital room. But then, he does this a lot. He’ll be fine with something until he gets pissed off at me then suddenly it was all my idea that he wanted no part of, blah blah freakin’ blah. But naturally, he never recalls those times. In fact, I could bring it up IMMEDIATELY afterward and he’d deny it ever happening.

Oh, and apparently I’ve killed any “goodwill” after Noah’s birth. I don’t even know what that means!! It seems he’s still pissed off at me for not going to hospital sooner. Yes, you’re right, honey, I should have gone in at the first contraction. Maybe they would have sectioned me and you could have then lamented about how I didn’t get up and do anything for such a long time after…. I’m rapidly reaching the point where I simply do not want him present at the birth.

I honestly think that I’m not the only one needing medicated around here.

4 thoughts on “…when the meds kick in…”

  1. I know how you feel my hubby makes me feel stupid and fat all the time and always has something negative to say and is never satisfied with anything. Im currently on medication for depression and other issues and i still feel like this even though im medicated. its just easier to deal with.

  2. I am already starting to talk homebirth with my hubby, and we're not even pregnant yet! He seems very hesitant about the whole thing, and I am EXACTLY the type of person who would try to "cram it" down his throat…lol. When I listen to his objections, though, they are fairly reasonable – he is worried about the baby's health and mine, normal "FAQ" kinda stuff. I have to reframe my thinking to remember that he is not against me, but just wants his wife & baby to be healthy. Kinda hard to get mad at him for that.Sorry you are having such a tough time. Hope it gets better so you can focus on growing your littlest one and not fighting with your big one!

  3. Wow, Jessica. I'm really sorry to hear that. There's no reason for him to treat you like that. Not sure about your husband, but I'm starting to really think that mine needs medicated as well.

  4. Eileen, the biggest thing here is that, he seemed fine with it up 'til we got into it the other night. Then suddenly that's when the shite hits the fan and I'm a horrible person who crams things down his throat. All the remarks he made before about money, no insurance, and keeping DCS out of our lives, never happened.

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