Torn about the holidays

I’m currently so torn about Christmas. I’m torn between wishing it was just over and done so I didn’t have to think about it ’til the next year, and forcing myself to enjoy it by playing Christmas music and trying to stay positive.

This first Christmas without Elias is almost as hard as having him taken from us in the first place.

How am I supposed to do this? How am I supposed to get through? I’m trying to hard to stay upbeat for the kids, but I just want to know how I’m supposed to keep this up when inside I just feel like I’m dying.