To my son, Elias, as we approach the one year anniversary of your death

My dear Elias,

I miss you tremendously. We all do. It hurts so much and I just wish I knew what to do with myself sometimes.

You have a brother who is about to be born, any day now. I’m so concerned that he will be born on the day you died. I just don’t know if I can handle that. Not just for me, but for him. That’s a very hard day for the family.

I miss you so much. I miss your smile and your very contagious laugh.

You should be turning five in April. You were supposed to start school this fall. I was looking forward to Ceili Fey showing you the ropes her last year at the elementary. Then, the next year, you were supposed to show Noah the ropes.

Life is just so hard without you. Sometimes I cannot even sleep, all I can do is think about you, about that morning that I found you, unresponsive, in your bed. I just wish there were some way to know that there was something wrong.

I can only hope that you are someplace where you are happy, because you deserve happiness. That’s what you gave everyone who ever encountered you in your short life. I don’t know if you can see us, but I hope that you can, so you can watch your siblings grow up.

With love,
Mommy

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