Shit week

I’m just having a shit time of things right now; have been all week, really. I just keep bouncing back and forth between being pissed off at the world and crying my eyes out. It doesn’t take much before I start crying. I’m having a very hard time keeping it together right now. It feels as though things are getting worse instead of better.

Right now, sitting in the office alone doesn’t help any. 

I woke up this morning, knowing full well that today was the two week anniversary of Elias’ funeral. That is a kind of pain that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

We went to the cemetery the other day after lunch. So far, we’ve picked out the stone but not what we want on it. So, at present, the only thing there, besides fresh-ish dirt, is a small plaque that lists his name and birth year and death year. I’m not sure I can bring myself to go back, but I feel like I need to. I just don’t know what to do. I guess I just won’t worry about it at present. I just can’t.

I honestly think that, if it weren’t for my other kids, I’m not sure how I’d manage to go on living. This just hurts so bad.

Yesterday, Jon and I met with a local pastor who wanted to meet us and see if there was anything they could do to help. What Jon said to him cleared up a lot for me. Apparently Jon is doing the same thing that he did when he was in Afghanistan, which was, keep as busy as possible so you don’t have to think about things. He mentioned “fake it ’til you make it”. Yeah, not at all reassuring to me. How do you do that?? I wish I knew.

4 thoughts on “Shit week”

  1. Not sure if this will help, but this is how I coped with my daughter's sudden death.First, know that you don't have to feel better, you don't have to achieve stuff, like tidying the house or baking cookies or answering sympathy cards. All, you have to do is get through the days. Every day you get through – even every hour – is an achievement.I know it hurts and it is terrible, but I promise you, NOTHING is as bad as the early months. Don't think about living the rest of your life with Elias, just think about clocking some weeks.Second, do WHATEVER you need. If you find something that helps, that isn't destructive (ie. no to self harming, drugs or alcohol) – do it. For me that changed over the weeks. One day you might want to sit on the grave – another you might want to eat pop corn and watch movies. If you want to read books on grief – go order some.Third – can you get some practical help? Are their friends around. You probably don't know what you need – but someone to help take the kids off to play, to give you some headspace, would probably be good. My DD was my only child, so we didn't have this issue – but it must be hard parenting now. {{{big hug for you}}Finally, get some exercise every day – I think it's important to capitalise on the natural high. 30 minutes walking is good. And do something to relax you – hot bath (good soak, no interruptions), or a sauna or a massage once a week?And don't lose heart. I promise it gets easier. It does.

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