I’m just having a shit time of things right now; have been all week, really. I just keep bouncing back and forth between being pissed off at the world and crying my eyes out. It doesn’t take much before I start crying. I’m having a very hard time keeping it together right now. It feels as though things are getting worse instead of better.
Right now, sitting in the office alone doesn’t help any.
I woke up this morning, knowing full well that today was the two week anniversary of Elias’ funeral. That is a kind of pain that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
We went to the cemetery the other day after lunch. So far, we’ve picked out the stone but not what we want on it. So, at present, the only thing there, besides fresh-ish dirt, is a small plaque that lists his name and birth year and death year. I’m not sure I can bring myself to go back, but I feel like I need to. I just don’t know what to do. I guess I just won’t worry about it at present. I just can’t.
I honestly think that, if it weren’t for my other kids, I’m not sure how I’d manage to go on living. This just hurts so bad.
Yesterday, Jon and I met with a local pastor who wanted to meet us and see if there was anything they could do to help. What Jon said to him cleared up a lot for me. Apparently Jon is doing the same thing that he did when he was in Afghanistan, which was, keep as busy as possible so you don’t have to think about things. He mentioned “fake it ’til you make it”. Yeah, not at all reassuring to me. How do you do that?? I wish I knew.