Over-involved mothers

Today my husband and I had a discussion involving my mother. Now, just so you know, a lot of our discussions involve my mother.

Just some background, until Jon and I met, Ceili Fey and I lived with my mother. Even though my mom has not lived with us for two or three years now, she is still very involved. Some of this involvement makes my husband very unhappy. Especially when he feels as though he is being crowded out. Yesterday, for instance, my mother just had to come along to the softball tryouts. Why? I dunno. She just did. I would have preferred that she stay home with the little guys but she just had to be at the tryouts.

As Jon phrased it, how many other grandmothers were at the tryouts we went to? Well, none.

His biggest concern is that my mother singles Ceili Fey out to do things. This morning, for instance, my mom took her to church while the rest of us went out for breakfast.

My mom does have a tendency to swoop in and sort of take over things with my daughter. It irks me but I think I’ve grown complacent. The whole time we were living with my mother, I felt limited in what I could do or say to my mother. If I stated that Ceili Fey was not to do something, my mother would either let her do it anyway, or the passive-aggressive behavior would start. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is?? Eventually I got to the point where I just kind of stopped trying.

The biggest issue here now is that Jon and I are having to work hard to deprogram her from my mother. It’s frequently like fighting an uphill battle since my mother still continues to intervene in our lives. Now, that’s not to say that I don’t want my mom involved in our lives, I simply want her to be involved, not to intervene in things.

Right now, Ceili Fey’s social skills are about a year or two behind her peers. My mother fails to see that she is a large part of the problem here. How do I know that she is a large part of the problem? Because I had a lot of the same issues growing up and she raised me the same way.

I’m so tired of the exasperated sighs or the crappy looks when I explain to my mother that no, I did not go rushing Ceili Fey’s homework to school when she forgot it. She is asked every morning to check and make certain that she has everything necessary for school. If she chooses to not do that, the fault lies with her. When I was a child, my mother would have rushed it to me at school. No consequences would have ensued. Is it any wonder I am inadequate in so many areas of life??

My biggest fear before having my daughter was that she would grow up with the same awkwardness and problems that I did as a child. Sadly, my worst fears have come to pass.