One whole month

I cannot believe that it’s been a month since Elias died. I just can’t.

You know what’s really screwed up? The way yesterday went, I would have thought it had been the one month anniversary, not today. Yesterday, I got up late. Henry actually slept in ’til after 8. Roberta took him downstairs to have breakfast but Noah was still asleep on the futon in the loft. I started getting ready, stopping every few moments to check on him. I was just sure I was going to come in to find him lying there, dead. Finally, he awoke. You cannot imagine the relief I felt then.

Since Noah had slept, per the norm, in just his diaper, I asked him if he wanted to get some clothes. He did. We went to the closet that he shares with Ceili Fey. While he got sidetracked by something in her bedroom, I proceeded to look through the clothes. I came across one of Bow’s favorite shirts, the one that make him look like Buzz Lightyear from the front and back. It was then that I finally finally lost it. I just couldn’t hold it in any longer.

Noah came in just then and looked at me. I managed to sidetrack him by having him help pick out a shirt. A Steelers jersey. One of Elias’, naturally.

I then headed to the office where the day didn’t get much better. I lost it in the car. It seems I do a lot of losing it lately, no matter how hard I try not to. I fell apart when I was on the phone with Jon. I can just tell that it annoys him when I do that. He doesn’t go out of his way to hide his annoyance. It’s not exactly something I can control, although I do try. 

At 10, we had a phone conference that, we thought, would determine whether or not the bank is willing to work with us to stay in our house. We got behind in our mortgage. It’s pretty hard to pay the mortgage when we have to choose between paying it and buying groceries and keeping lights and heat on. We’re self-employed and our income relies on our clients to pay us. When we have jobs that we are subcontractors for, some of those firms do any- and everything they can to avoid having to pay in a reasonable period. So, it’s pretty hard to pay a mortgage when the money isn’t there.

At first, when we weren’t too horribly far behind, we tried to scrape together part of the amount we were behind and then come up with the remainder in another few weeks. The bank would only take the full amount. Yeah, that’s just not possible. Unfortunately, we wound up having to use it. Which is what I had predicted and why I wanted them to take it in the first place!! In any event, our case is really convoluted because our name is not actually on the mortgage. My mother, who doesn’t live there, holds the mortgage. My mother, that’s on Social Security and doesn’t work because she was told that, with her terminal diagnosis, she can’t. We were simply buying the house on contract from her.

It was so obvious that the bank’s attorney doesn’t give a shit and has zero interest in us keeping our house. Per their normal thing, he sent out a list of documents the bank needs as well as some forms that we have to fill out. Again, not too sure how that works when Jon and I are the ones that had been making the payment, not my mother.

Yes, we’ll fill out the bank’s forms and send back the requested docs but it’s quite apparent to me that Chase really wants another house to add to the ever-growing collection in our neighborhood. I’m sure they’ll have a great time selling it, especially when people find out that a child died there and that he was the third child to die in that neighborhood since October 2011. But, hey, whatever. I guess Chase Bank needs our house more than we do. Supposedly, once they get the paperwork in, they’ll make a final decision, or whatever. I’m not holding my breath that they’ll be willing to work something out to let us keep it.

In any case, life is pretty much shit right now.

4 thoughts on “One whole month”

  1. I will not pretend to know what you are going through. I am so sorry. I just wanted you to know that you have people out there pulling for you and praying for you. You are a great Mom, I'm glad you have this site as a vent, stay strong for those babies. We are mommies, we can do hard things. Keep venting…Take care.

  2. It's all so completely unfair and heartbreaking.Please know that I lost my son too, and there is an entire community out here of women who unfortunately get just how much this sucks.Be kind to yourself.Sending you so much love and missing Elias with you.xo

  3. I can not imagine how you could not be falling apart on a regular basis. The fact that you manage to accomplish anything is a tribute to your spirit. I sure hope things settle out with the house. 3 children in one neighborhood in such a short time is amazing… and scary!

Comments are closed.