My baby Elias is gone

This morning around 10:15 am, I found my beautiful baby, our three year old, Elias, dead in his bed. When we checked on him earlier, he was snoring. What happened between that time, we have no idea. What I do know is that this is something no parent should ever have to know.

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Elias loved when his sister would do goofy things with his hair

Bow (pronounced like take a bow), as he was known to his family, was such a sharp little fellow. Smart as a whip. I just knew he would grow up to do great things. Only, now he won’t.

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Noah (left) and Elias (right) loved playing robot with grocery sacks

Last night, Bow was playing the bathtub with his brothers. Today he’s gone. How do you wrap your head around that?

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Elias being read to by Ceili Fey
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Elias was a thumb sucker, mostly when tired or not feeling well

Noah just knows that his brother went to the hospital. He doesn’t get that Bow is not coming back. Ceili Fey gets it and she’s very upset. How do we comfort her? How do you tell a child that she won’t lose another brother – or her own life – because, apparently it does happen; it just happened. How do you explain to a child that her brother is gone and you just don’t know why?

Elias hospital pic

Noah is sleeping in Ceili Fey’s room tonight. Their choice. When I just went upstairs and Ceili Fey told me that she keeps waking Noah up every time he sounds phleghmy. She’s terrified she’ll lost him, too.

Jon went upstairs for awhile and check on Henry. Twice. It’s hard to put them down for nap/bed when we’re terrified they won’t wake up. Sure there’s that whole thing about lightning not striking twice but what were the odds of this happening in the first place?

I just don’t get it. We try to live right. We’re good parents. We care deeply for our children and do everything for them. We’re good people. We don’t do bad things to other people. Yet, something like this happens. Why? I don’t believe we deserved it. I know Elias didn’t.

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Elias was super excited about being a big brother again when Henry was born
(From left to right, my father, Henry, Elias, Ceili Fey, Noah)

Bow loved playing trains and would build very elaborate tracks stretching from our loft to the bedroom he shares with Noah.

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I miss him so much.

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His laughter was infectious

I’m writing this because I don’t know what else to do with myself right now. Jon keeps asking me “What do we do now?” and I have no answer. I’m not sure I ever will.

Elias would have been four on 9, April. We were supposed to be celebrating his birthday, not planning his funeral.

289 thoughts on “My baby Elias is gone”

  1. Oh Amanda! My heart aches for you. I cannot imagine. Please, please let us know if we can do anything for you at all. I am so so very sorry for your loss. <3

  2. I am so sorry for your loss and as I read your post my tears fell for yours.I have a two year old boy, the person I consider my life and the one I cannot keep any closer right now. I send you my love and embrace during this difficult time.Johanna

  3. Amanda, I am so sorry for your loss. Words won't help. Nothing anyone can do can help. I am praying for you and your family. ((hugs)) Please let your Indy Mom friends know what we can do to help.

  4. I wish I had the words to comfort you. All I can say is I'm sorry you have to go through this.I can tell Bow was very loved. Christy from OIM.

  5. Amanda-I cannot fathom the emotions you and your loved ones are experiencing right now. I pray you find strength and healing in the coming days, weeks, months or whatever it may take for you. He had a gorgeous smile. Natalie from OIM

  6. Amanda….my heart is just aching for you. I wish I could have all the magic in the world & all the right words to comfort you….but all I can do is offer my heartfelt prayers & thoughts. All of the OIMs are praying & hurting along with you….just try to feel our love & comfort surround you…cause it is overflowing right now.

  7. I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope that one day you will have healing and happiness. A parent should never have to go thru this. Please lean on us, we want to help you in your time of need. Prayers and lots of thoughts are with you. Janice from OIM.

  8. im so sorry this happened to you. This scares me so much. I have always been afraid of having my little ones in their own beds. i will pray for understanding and recovery for your hearts..

  9. I cannot even imagine Amanda. I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. May God send you peace and strength <3 Offering anything I can do for you.(((hugs)))Jaime Aguayo

  10. Amanda I was so sad to hear this tragic news today. My heart is breaking for you and your family. I wish I had the words to say that would be of comfort but know that nothing will do that right now. Ii am thinking of you and praying for you and your family. Please let us know if we can do anything for you.

  11. I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious sweet child. So many of us are praying for you and are ready to do whatever we can to help. Please lean on us and let us help you through this"

  12. My heart is breaking for you and your sweet boy. I am praying you find much needed strength to make it though this devastating time. I am so sorry.Denise Skidmore OIM

  13. Amanda, I know that you don't know me, but I am one of Secrena Erwin's sisters. You are so right that no parent should have to go through losing a child. My prayers are with you and your family. My heart is breaking for what you must be feeling. Take strength in each other, your family, your friends and the Lord.

  14. I posted on FB, but just read your story and wanted to say that I was thinking of you and your family and am so sorry for you guys. There is never any sense to these situations and they leave us feeling scared with such an empty hole. May you find comfort in your family and friends in this terrible time of loss.

  15. I am so sorry. My son Dylan turns 4 on April 2 and I can only imagine what it would be like to lose him. It's a horrible tragedy that no one can explain. My prayers are with you and your family. May you find strength and peace in this difficult time.

  16. Thinking of you and your family during this unimaginably difficult time. Hoping in time you find peace. Hugs to you all… Kristin Coffey

  17. Thinking about you guys. Krista Julian (my cousin in law) posted this on her facebook page. I have a 21 month old daughter and I can only imagine the pain and hurt your family is dealing with right now. My thoughts and prayers are with you.Kayla from South Carolina

  18. Amanda, my heart is absolutely breaking for you and your family. I am so very sorry and can't even imagine what you are going through. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Jenn Carty O'Neill from OIM

  19. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, from one mother to another and one heart to your heart, god be with you in this time of need!

  20. Words really fail at a time like this. You and your family will be in my prayers and I will ask my family and friends to pray as well.

  21. Amanda, oh my, honey, words certainly cannot take away the pain you are feeling right now. The questions you have asked are the same questions everyone in that situation asks. All you can do is carry on, keep living and loving your children. Keep Elias in your heart and memory as I know you will forever do. In April celebrate that infectious smile, and the years it brought happiness to your lives. Build train tracks with your kiddos that day, in Eli's memory. Hundreds of OIMs are praying for your family, as well as many of our friends and family. You all will get through this in time. Cherish the memories. I am here for ya!!! Misty

  22. I can really feel what your family is going threw right now and you have my prayers even through I don't know who you are. 5 yrs ago this last nov just two weeks before our grandsons birthday we lost him the same way.So know how you feel prayers to the family.

  23. Amanda,There are no words I can offer that will bring peace, but I want you to know that you are not alone. You are on the minds of all of us OIM tonight, and we walk with you. You have our thoughts, our prayers, and our hearts ache with yours. I think you are doing exactly what you should be doing, by sharing your beautiful memories of that wonderful little boy! I hope you can find comfort and solace in writing. My heart aches for your loss. ((hugs))

  24. Amanda,There are no words I can offer that will bring peace, but I want you to know that you are not alone. You are on the minds of all of us OIM tonight, and we walk with you. You have our thoughts, our prayers, and our hearts ache with yours. I think you are doing exactly what you should be doing, by sharing your beautiful memories of that wonderful little boy! I hope you can find comfort and solace in writing. My heart aches for your loss. ((hugs))

  25. Amanda, I heard about the loss of your precious Elias via another board and I want to tell you, despite not knowing you at all, how very sorry I am for your loss. I can empathize with what you are feeling, as I buried my two year old son after we lost him due to a tragic car accident. And much like you, afterward, we felt at odd as to what to do with ourselves. I wish I had more comforting words of wisdom other than to tell you that it's OK, it's completely normal to feel whatever you're feeling. And in the really dark times, embrace your little ones, embrace the memories of Elias and cling to them with everything you have. I'm so sorry that you're now my sister in a club no mother should ever belong to. I'll keep you close to my heart and in my thoughts.

  26. Amanda, I lost my four month old son almost ten months ago due to SIDS. No one will ever no how you feel not even someone who has lost a child as we all grief different. I can tell you that you will learn to live life different. You will always miss your sweet child and will never be whole again but with time and help you will learn to live again. Nothing will ever be the same and you have to learn how to live life with a new normal as what was will never be the same.It is ok to cry and cry were every you are: in a store, in your car, in his room. I was in a mall once and saw a child and I just began to cry. It is ok do not hide it. Please no you are not going thru this alone and there are people out there to help you learn how to live with your life long pain. Here is a link to my wife’s blog. I am not sure if it will help but it is sometimes nice to find answers with someone else who had been thru it as well. You and your family are in my prayers. http://noahpaulsmommy.blogspot.com/2011/07/counting-my-blessings.html

  27. Amanda, My heart aches for you. I am so, so very sorry for your loss. I know my words can't fix it but please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.Stefany

  28. I am so sorry to hear about your son. My dear friend lost her daughter right before christmas. She would have been 3 this spring. Please look in to the possibility of SUDEP as a possible cause (Sudden unexpected death in epileptics) I will be praying for your family.

  29. I can't even imagine. Thoughts and prayers your way. And know it's nothing you did. These terrible things can happen to good people. Surround yourself with love and support to get you through it. I know the hole will never be filled from the space he left, but I love how you are celebrating his wonderful life and pictures with us. God bless you and your family. I will be thinking of you.

  30. Amanda, I dont have any words to make this any easier but I pray that god will help see you through this time in your life. He is and always will be your sweet baby. I have never met you but I am an IM and I cant stop crying for you and your family. I am praying for you and your babies and please let me know if I could help in any way. <3

  31. Amanda,Oh wow! I am shocked, stunned and in tears!!! I don't even know what to say! May God give you strength and comfort you through this horrible nightmare. I am so very sorry about your loss of your sweet, beautiful son. I know nothing anyone says will ease the pain and the loss you are experiencing, but just know that you are thought of and my family and I will be keeping your family in our thoughts and prayers. No parent should ever have to bury a child…it's the hardest thing to have to do (boy, do I know). Stay strong and take one day…one hour at a time. <3Michele

  32. A fellow blogger shared your news on our Facebook group. I am so so sorry for your loss. I don't know what to say except that our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family in this time of loss. May God wrap His loving arms around you all.

  33. I am so sorry for your lost. My boss just recently lost his 6 year old daughter in Dec 2011 the same way you lost your little boy. She died in her sleep unexpectedly. My boss and his wife also have an 8 year old. They are all in therapy and trying to live life. I pray for you and your family.

  34. There are no words, no reasons or excuses, no platitudes that can make this "better." My heart is absolutely breaking for you, your husband, and your precious children.

  35. My heart is ACHING for you and your family. πŸ™ As a mom to 3 and one on the way, I can only imagine the feelings you are going through. I am so so so sorry for your loss and will pray for your family for comfort. I am so sorry. πŸ™

  36. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I will be praying for you and your family {hugs}

  37. I can't even begin to understand or express my sorrow for your loss. My heart aches. My baby is the same age, I want to run to her now to check on her. I am so sorry for this terrible loss for all of your family.

  38. I am so sorry for your loss. I have two sons myself and I can't imagine what you're feeling. I will be praying for your beautiful family.

  39. I'm so sorry for your family's loss. I don't have anything to say that can take away everyone's pain but please know you are in my family's thoughts and prayers ((hugs))

  40. I am so, so sorry. I can't even imagine what you are thinking or feeling. Please know that you have strangers in Indiana praying for you and your family.

  41. My heart go out to you and your family! Words cannot express the sorry and sympathy I feel! We recently lost my 7 year old niece and before that my 2 year old cousin. It is always harder when it is such beautiful and perfect angels that have to leave us with no warning and no reason. I'm so very sorry!

  42. So so sorry. I haven't experienced this but have watched a couple families who have and all I can say is you do the best you can. And you cut yourself a LOT of slack. You try to do the best you can to maintain some normalcy for your kids, and then you don't beat yourself when you can't. You love on those kids with every thing you have and ask for help one the days you don't have anything to give. You pray when you need strength and cry when you need to. God bless your family. No family should ever have to endure this but just take a moment at a time, then a day, and when you can a week at a time and before you know it you will saying I don't know how we git through that year, but you will have. You will be in my prayers!!!

  43. I will pray for you and your family tonight, tomorrow and everyday. No mother/father should go through such pain, but our Father will provide comfort where none other can.

  44. So very, very sorry. Everything changes in one split second…and I wish it weren't like that. Tomorrow I will look up some of the book titles I read to my son to help with grieving the loss of a sibling and send them to you. I wish there were big enough words for a time like this.

  45. I am so sorry. For you, for your husband, for Bow's sister and brothers, who went to sleep knowing a world without loss, then waking to find Bow gone.I will say prayers for you and your family…

  46. I am so so sorry for your loss, I have a three year old myself and don't know what I would do if this happened to him. Prayers for you and your family at this tough time. I'm so sorry πŸ™

  47. I can't imagine the heartbreak you are feeling right now! I pray that God can comfort you somehow… Not sure how that is possible, but I hope you can find it.

  48. I am so very sorry for your loss. No mother should have to go through this. I pray that God comforts your family through this loss.

  49. Amanda.. I don't know you, but wanted to let you know how sorry I am for your loss. I can't even imagine the loss of a child.. just so very sad. πŸ™ My family and I will have you and yours in our thoughts and prayers. May God bring you comfort and peace in the days ahead.

  50. I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I had something better to say, or better yet, a way to undo this for you, but know that there are a lot of people praying for you and your family right now.

  51. I am sitting here with a puddle of tears on my desk in front of me as I read your page…my heart breaks for you and your family. He was such a beautiful little boy! It makes me want to get in my car and drive to my daughter's house to hug my grand children. My daughter is a mess right now because her baby boy is the very same age as Elias. She says she keeps looking on him…checking on him and hugging him. Your loss has touched us all. Bless you all in your time of sorrow…*hugs*

  52. My heart aches for you and your family. Words fail me and I am so very sorry for your loss. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers. You are absolutely right – no parent should ever have to experience this.

  53. My heart is torn in two for your whole family. I know there are no words that can ease your pain, but know that there are many people who have you in their thoughts and prayers.

  54. I don't know how much my words will help you, but I'm going to give it a shot. I will tell you first that, while the pain will never leave, it will get easier to bear. You'll learn how to handle it and you will be able to continue to live. I can also tell you that the best way to mourn a lost loved one is to remember the good times. Don't dwell on the fact that he is gone, as difficult as that sounds and will be to do, but pic a few of your best memories of him and think about those. You'll eventually be able to smile again, I promise. Remember, too, that there's always a reason, though we'll never really understand what it is. But know God needed little Elias for something bigger and better up there than we could ever have imagined down here. Picture him now, playing in the clouds with the other angels. It's a beautiful and comforting image that will also help you get through those moments when you feel like you can't breathe because it hurts so badly. Finally, for now, until the pain becomes bearable, tale each day moment by moment. You'll figure out what to tell the rest of your children and how to go about daily tasks again. Just one moment at a time and you will survive, i promise. You are all in my thoughts and my prayers. We love you.

  55. My hear is aching for you right now. This is one of my biggest fears and I have a 3 year old little boy as well. Things like this should NOT happen to children! It makes me angry. I pray that somehow, someday you are able to find some peace in all of this. For now, we are all here to cry with you. I don't know you but I am here for you if you need a friend or someone to listen (as I am sure our entire blogging community is). We are here for you.To your son: rest in peace sweet angel.Nicole

  56. So very sorry this had to happen. Maybe one day soon they will be able to explain to you what happenend. You can only do the best that you can and it sounds like you gave 150%. He knew love and that is a great thing. He knew he was taken care of and that he had a home. You did an awesome job, you can tell by his smile. I hope that one day you will see that when you look at his pictures. He looks happy and loved and that is the way it should be. God has him now and he is safe and loved there also. I hope in some small way that helps you to know that. I hope your family will heal in time and know that you did all the right things. It is not your fault. Just try to focus on each other as all of you need to be together to get thru this. With prayer and love,Mary

  57. Omg I'm so sorry for ur lose πŸ™ I have a 2 yr old myself I cudnt imagine what ur goen through. Sending my thoughts and prayers to u and ur family πŸ™

  58. I am so sorry for your loss. I have 3 children and couldn't imagine what it would be like to lose one of them. I know that none of us can say anything that eases the pain, just know that we are all here, loving and praying for you and your family.

  59. I am sorry beyond words. It just isn't fair! There is nothing that anybody can say that can make this any better. Just know that you are in the prayers of many.

  60. Amanda, I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers, and my families prayers. I know the pain of loss will never leave you or your family. I lost a brother when I was young also. I do know that the pain dulls, but the memories are always there. Lean on the Lord, and all of your readers and blogging friends are here for you always.

  61. I am a fellow Hoosier and was told about your terrible loss in facebook group. I am so sorry to hear of your loss Amanda. I will continue to follow your path and will be here if you ever need anything at all.

  62. I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine! As a mom, my heart is broken for you. I know this is difficult to think about, but (if you haven't already done this) you might want to want to do tests (especially blood tests) to find out the cause of his death…hopefully it's not genetic. I hope you find answers and peace. My sincere thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  63. I feel like I should say something, but I honestly don't know what to say – no words can make this better. This is just the most tragic thing and something a mom – or family should ever have to endure. Words can not tell you how sad and sorry I am for your loss. Elias was a beautiful little boy with such an gorgeous smile. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

  64. I'm so sorry for your loss. This made me cry. My heart is breaking for your family. What a beautiful little boy. I will pray for your family to find strength in this sad time.

  65. I'm so sorry for your loss. I like many others don't really know what to say. My heart goes out to you and your family. I will be praying for you and your family. You may have lost a handsome little man, but you've gained a very special guardian angel to look after you and your family.

  66. Amanda, my heart is aching for you and I can't even begin to imagine the pain that you are in. I'm so sorry for your loss and will keep your family in my thoughts.

  67. First of all, you do not deserve it. That isn't why it happened. If that had anything at all to do it, little children would not die and we wouldn't really need prisons because all the murderers would just die.I know that doesn't help a whole lot, but I felt I had to say it.As to your other children, there isn't anything you can say. Hold them, love them, let them cry, let them see you cry. You can't fix it anymore than any of your visitors can say anything that will "fix" you.Watching my children grieve the loss of their brother has been so very hard. When I think I can't hurt any more, they will say something, express some feeling of fear or guilt and I realize there are yet more tears to shed though I'm exhausted already.It is hard.If you ever want to email me, please do.

  68. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I have a son just a few months older (and a daughter a couple months younger), and I cannot imagine losing one of my children. Your son was beautiful, and your tribute shows that. I am praying for you and your family.

  69. I am so sorry for your loss. This just breaks my heart. Sending you prayers and best thoughts in this most difficult of times. (hugs)

  70. Oh, Amanda. There are no words right now that can bring you any comfort…nor any words that haven't been said already. I don't know what to say that will even convey the sorrow that I feel. I hope that you and your family will find peace and comfort soon. You're in my prayers.

  71. I just heard about this terrible thing from a friend. I am so so sorry that you and your family are going through this. My heart is aching for you. We may never know why this happened, but for sure it is not your fault.

  72. Keeping you and your family in my prayers. This is sad beyond all belief and truly terrifying that this happened. I am so, so sorry for your precious loss.

  73. I am so very sorry for you and your family. My prayers and thoughts are with you during this difficult time. My heart is bleeding for you. I am so sorry.

  74. My heart and prayers goes to you. I dont know you but wish i can give you a hug and tell you to be strong. As mothers are heart no longer belongs to us because our heart beat with ever beat that our kids heart beats and i cant imagine loosing a beat. I send you my prayers from my family to you and pray that you find peace and know that he would want you to be at peace. take care

  75. I am so very sorry. I can't even imagine what you're going through. Praying that God will wrap His arms around you and comfort you like only He can.

  76. I know that there isn't anything someone can say to take your pain away, but I wanted you to know that there are many, many, many people out here thinking about you and Elias and your family. We're saying prayers for you and wishing we could do something to help you. Your little boy was a beautiful boy and is now a beautiful angel. I'm so sorry that this happened.Mickey

  77. I've never read your blog before; I came across this post from another blogger. I just want you to know that I am so very sorry for your loss. Losing a child or young person is so very difficult; I hope you have a support system and can find peace in this difficult time. Your family, like so many others, DOES NOT deserve this; your son did not deserve this; no one does. However, it has happened and you must carry on with Bow in your mind and heart; he will never truly be gone. He is always, ALWAYS with you and your family. Peace be to you in this hard time.

  78. May God's love carry you through this most horrific of times. Know that the pain you suffer is not a punishment, even though it feels that way. I'm so sorry for your loss, and keep you and your family in my prayers.

  79. So sorry for your loss it is something that I could never imagine loosing a child so young but, I know that there is a lot of love in the world for you now and there are those that will reach out to you for your need is so great right now I know it is never easy to undestand or comprehend a loss of a child but, he is in good hands and one day you will see him again so may God bless you and yours

  80. Even though I don't know you, I had to give my condolences to you and your family. My heart goes out to you from a mother to a mother, and my thoughts are with you. May you have the strength and bravery to keep living each day forth, keeping the beautiful memories of your boy close to you and your family's hearts. Remember:Do not blame yourself for what has happened. That is the natural instinct of a parent. Sometimes things in life are beyond our control. If you can, understand what has happened and teach others so that you might be able to help someone prevent this from happening to another child. God bless from a nursing student and mother.

  81. I'm praying for you and your family. I can't imagine the pain you all must be in, so all I can think to do is send virtual hugs and sincere condolences.

  82. My heart goes out to you and your family. I am so very sorry for your loss. Words are utterly inadequate to express it. I hope that somehow you can feel the the support and caring from all of those out here who are thinking of you and your family.

  83. I've been thinking of you all day after reading this, I'm so so sorry I can only imagine a fraction of your pain. Be good to yourself.

  84. My heart is absolutely breaking. I'm praying for you. Stay strong and bind together as a family unit during this terrible, horrible time in your lives. xo

  85. My heart goes out to you and your family. Prayers are headed your way!! One day at a time, baby steps!!! After loosing a grandbaby almost 2 last year, that's how I cop with the loss. Oh honey, no words right now are gonna seem right.I will just pray for you and your family to get threw this with God's help and helping hand!!

  86. Mama, I am so sorry for your loss. No family should ever have to feel the pain that yours is right now. He was a beautiful little boy. I have 3 children all under the age of 5 and I can't imagine what you are feeling or going through right now. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that you will be able to find some kind of peace. He will always be in your heart.Star's are not stars but are holes in the floor of heaven where your loved ones watch over you.I cried reading this and I can only hope one day you will find some kind of peace.

  87. I am so very sorry. I cannot even imagine the pain you & your family are in right now. I believe that all things happen for a reason. God loves your Elias too, and while we may never know why this side of heaven, He saw in his infinite wisdom that it was best for Elias to be home with Him, even though we don't know why. I choose to believe He is saving them from something terrible that would have happened. I pray that the love of our Savior envelopes your whole family during this tragedy. Dear LORD, please be with this family during this time of indescribable grief and unimaginable pain. Let the feel your love for them as you hold them in your arms. Amen

  88. hun the bes thing to do is make sure the other kids are ok and then get some grease consoling for the kids and then your and hubby it hard to lose little one but tell the kid t hat he will be waithcing over them give them somthing of his and let them carry with them until they know what going on

  89. Tears and prayers for you and your family. I know these words won't help right now (& honestly, I've never been good with words) but God *does* have a plan for everything and his plans are to prosper you, never to harm you. Bow is having sooooo much fun right, I'm sure of it! And, I'm sure if you could see him playing and enjoying all the richness of Heaven, you'd be celebrating this day as much as mourning it. I pray that God gives you some sense of comfort and peace, that He speaks words of wisdom to you & fortifies you with His strength to help you and your family get through this tumultuous time. God lost His son as well – so know that there IS someone who loves you, will listen to you and who does understand the pain you are going through … all you have to do is pray and He will hear you.May God be with you all.

  90. Oh no, I am so so sorry! No mother should every have to say goodbye to her babies this way..I know nothing I say can make the pain go away, but just know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

  91. I came here from peaceful parenting on facebook. I don't have any words, none that will make this one bit better. I am so sorry for you to go through this, i can't even imagine what this would be like.My heart is breaking for you and your family. I hope that somehow you find comfort in each other through this difficult time.*hugs*

  92. Amanda, I linked here from Peaceful Parenting's Facebook page. I've never come across you before, but I felt my heart tear into shreds as I read this. I can't even wrap my head around this shock and loss. Please know there's someone out there you've never met who is weeping with you tonight and praying for an overwhelming peace and comfort to fill each of you in that home. I know God says that when we are so shattered that can't even form the words, the Holy Spirit intercedes for us with groaning. I think all of us who read this stand beside you right now doing the same with aching hearts.

  93. I don't know you, but I saw the news yesterday on Guggie's page. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I have no words to comfort you and your family, no wise, sage advice…just know that I am thinking about you and sending you all the love and light that I can. Stepanie

  94. Wow, what a beautiful, beautiful boy he was! I can tell he had already accomplished so much in his short little life–look at how many people adored him!I cannot begin to imagine what pain you may have–I am almost in tears myself. Hugs and prayers to you and your family. God bless you.

  95. I know nothing I say can make anything better right now. But I saw this posted on Peaceful Parenting, I just wanted to let you know that you have so many people all over the world thinking of, praying for, and loving you right now! <3

  96. My deepest, deepest condolences. I have a three year old daughter and cannot imagine going through something like this. My love for you, your family and your son. For ever. Love you love you love you.

  97. Thinking of you and your family and sending you love and light. I hope you and your loved ones find comfort in each other right now xxx

  98. Oh…oh…oh…i'm So sorry. I don't know you, your family or your sweet boy but, i'm So sorry for your loss. I just can't even imagine and I just want to send you hugs and love to give you a moment to breathe from the feelings so you can keep grieving for your sweet boy. Just love and hugs and love for you and yours.

  99. I don't know what to say – He is an angel now with God. I will pray for you and your family. My heart is hurting so bad for all of you. I can't imagine the pain and numbness you feel now. God bless.

  100. He was a beautiful child, and now is an angel in Heaven watching over his family. You will see him again one day mama. I am so sorry for your loss, and I pray for peace for you and your family.

  101. Like many of the previous posters, I do not know you. We have never met, and most likely never will. Absolutely nothing I can say will ever make you feel better, but please know that complete strangers are praying for you and your family during this difficult time, and will continue to pray for you and your family as time foes on.

  102. Oh Mama, no one should ever experience the loss of their baby. I can't even begin to imagine the depths of your pain or the loss you must be feeling. I can only offer you my deepest sympathies and my prayers. I'm so, so sorry. *hugs*Remember that God brought you to this, and he will bring you through it. My prayers for you Mama and your whole family. <3

  103. I am so sorry for your loss, I can't even imagine what you are going through right now. I have no words that seem right, I'm just so sorry.

  104. Amanda, we don't know each other but unfortunately I know too well how it feels to lose a child. We lost our son 4 years ago. His anniversary was just on Wed last week. The tears are coming out of me with such force and sadness as I am reading your post and I am in shock that this can happen! My most heartfelt condolences and I'm so sorry this horrible thing has happened to you and your family and your precious boy Elias. You are in my thoughts and parayers for strength and answers, quickly. x

  105. I am so so so sorry for the loss of your little boy. Its shocking and heartbreaking. I'm a stranger to you all but you're on my heart now and I will be praying for your family that you find peace and comfort.

  106. Praying for your family and your little angel, Elias. I am so sorry for your loss. I know nothing any of us can say will take this pain away. Thank you for sharing your story with us all. Never stop talking about Elias. Each word shows your love for him. May you be wrapped in comfort. XOXO

  107. Amanda,I am so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you are feeling right now. On February 21st I got the 4 am door knock that everyone with a teenager dreads, two police officers were standing there telling me that my son had been killed in a car accident. I can totally empathize and understand were you are coming from. Jake was my only child and the light of my life and I miss him so much. There is nothing I can say that will fix it, and I hate it when someone asks me if they can do anything, because they can't do the one thing I want them to do. If you'd like to talk sometime in the future please feel free to email me. I am so sorry for your loss.

  108. My heart breaks for you and your family, Amanda. Your memories of Bow will last a lifetime. May God comfort you during this tragic time of your lives. Hugs to you.

  109. I'm going to talk rational because thats probably what you need to hear right now. Bow lost his life yes, but gave you 3 amazing years you will ALWAYS have, to the day you die. If anything thats what he wanted. His brother and sister are young enough to know that he is gone and if they need someone you will be there in a 1/4 of a heartbeat. My suggestion, bring the kids in with you or go in their room and sleep with them. Its going to be different, but this is a different situation. You have to move on but never forget. Best of luck and my prayers are with you

  110. I lost my son in August. He was three days old.Please know that you have people out here in the internet world or in the real world who are here for you. There is an entire blog world for mom's like us, walking together to try to make sense of the senseless. When you are ready know that you have friends here that will lovingly listen to you write about Elias, no matter how much time passes.Thinking of you and your sweet boy, Elias.

  111. I lost my son Phelim, 7-months-old, four years ago this May. We out him to bed, woke up, and he was gone. There are no words, there is simply nothing anyone can say. We are not supposed to bury our children, to bury our heart, all of the futures we thought we had and dreamed about. I'm sorry doesn't even begin to convey my grief for your family. Just know that you are not alone. "What falls away is always. And, is near. It is the depth of our grief that confirms the depth of our love, and it was the love that blessed our lives."- Roethke

  112. I don't know you but my heart hurts for you and your family. I can't even begin to imagine how it feels to lost a child. May God give you peace through this horrific time and may your baby boy rest in peace. I'm so sorry for your loss.

  113. Prayers and love to you and your family. We are so sorry for your loss. Our boy has been very sick and we both thought today what we would do if we lose him. We never know what can happen…or why. All we can do is do our best to live every day to the fullest, to love our babies and our families, to enjoy every moment of every day. My heart aches for you. You are a strong, amazing mother, and you will get through this. You have the strength of your family and so much support here. Lots of love and hugs.

  114. Amanda,I have never before read your blog. I did not know it even existed until someone posted the link on Facebook. I do not know what joys, struggles, or triumphs you have shared with your beautiful family. And yet here I sit, heartbroken and sobbing as though I've known you my whole life. I don't have anything to say that could make this tragedy any better. The words "I'm sorry" seem so empty in the wake of an event such as this. All I can say is – I am sending my love, my heart, and my prayers to you and yours. May your sweet little boy be your guiding light that leads you through these dark times. He is with God now, smiling as brightly as ever.Hugs to you, beautiful Mama.

  115. My heart aches for you mama! I know no words will bring the comfort you need an dlong for, but I just wanted to tell you I am sorry. Also that I am praying!! Tears for you tonight!! ((hugs))

  116. I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family. A sudden loss is so overwhelming. I went thru a sudden loss. I can let you know ( I know this is gonna be an unimaginable thought. ) time will help heal your heart. The pain won't be so overwhelming. But always there. I hope you can take some comfort knowing he is safe in the arms of heaven.

  117. I am so saddened to learn of the loss of your sweet son. My daughter was stillborn, while not the same, I feel your pain on some sort of level. Prayers and many hugs your way

  118. Dear Amanda and family,I just want to say how incredibly sorry I am for your loss. I can't even imagine what you are feeling right now. Please know my family's thoughts and prayers are with you all right now. Lighting a candle for little Bow tonight.

  119. Amanda, I am lifting your family up in prayer. I cannot fathom what you all are going through. My heart hurts for you. We are all here to support you in any way that we can. Whatever you need please ask.With Love,Saundra

  120. Oh I am very sorry for your loss, it is the most powerful hurt in the whole world to loss a child my son was 5 when he passed and I still miss him. I can tell you that it does get easier with time but you will have to go through all the emotions before that will happen…. ADVISE love your husband and he needs to love you, more now than ever, hold each other and be there for each other. I am so sorry for the loss of your son.

  121. I could of wrote this myself, in fact I did.. Almost 5 years ago. Long story short my 7 year old went to bed early cause he felt sick.. he went to bed at 6:30 pm, threw up at 10pm I cleaned him up and changed his sheets and blanket, that was the last time i'd ever kiss him goodnight or see him alive.. at 9 am the next morning he was dead… i can relate, I know your pain, i feel your sorrow, please, i know you dont know me but feel free to email me if you want someone to talk to.. my email is blueeyedgirl10@gmail.com

  122. Dear Amanda & Family,My heart breaks reading that Elias gone.There's not much that I can type only sending you my deepest condolence.I hope Elias is happy wherever he is now and I hope you and everyone are strong and keep united.Love from Bali, Indonesia

  123. My heart is so touched & broken by your story. The words I'm sorry just doesn't even begin to feel like enough. But from one mother to another you will be forever in my heart, all of you!! I wish you all peace & comfort in this time of sorrow.

  124. my tears fall for your tragic loss of your beautiful little boy. I cannot imagine the pain but my heart yerns to cry for you although I dont know you on a personal level. I pray for you and your family.

  125. Amanda and Family,I am soooo sorry to hear about your loss. I recently lost my daughter. She was 3 months and 11 days old. God took His Angel April 22, 2011. There really is not anything to say to make you feel better or to help with the fear of it happening again. I have 2 older daughters that are 3 and 2 and I still check on them for fear of it happening again. We still do not know what happened (not SIDS) specifically said by pathologist. Her death is undetermined to this day. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Remember you have other children to love and care for and Bow will not want you and your family to be scared or to be filled with so much pain. My deepest sympathy- Skye Burcham

  126. You might not know me but my heart and prayer's go out to you and your family !!! There are no word's of comfort at this time. Just hoping with time and the comfort of loved one's you will be able to come to some peace over this tragity. Our family had a sudden loss last year. It was a wake up call to just how precious family is. We are closer now from sticking together and comforting one another thru regular family meal's. Life flies by so fast. Our live's stay on such a busy schedule. Take time to share and care for one another. Alway's hug and say , " I Love you ! " Live every minute like it could be the last time together. Lean on one another and time will heal your broken heart's. . . . May God Bless you & your's !!! <3

  127. This is so heartbreaking. All I read was the first line & burst into tears, I can't imagine how you are coping. You & your poor dear family. I am so sorry for your loss. Nobody, I mean it, NO BODY deserves to go through anything like this. My heart & prayers go out to you & your family so that one day you may find peace. I believe little Elias is now a sweet angel looking over you & your children. Again, I am deeply sorry that you must endure this kind of pain, I could never understand the grief you are all experiencing. You are & will be in my thoughts for quite some time. I hope some way, some how you can heal from this eventually, one day. πŸ™ <3 <3 <3

  128. There are no words I can say to ease your burden. But I wanted you to know that I will be lifting you and your entire family up in my prayers. I hope that God wraps you in his arms and brings you peace during this incredibly difficult time. Hold onto each and every good memory, hide them in your heart and cherish your other children as they struggle to come to terms with this. You will make it through this and I pray things get easier each day that passes.

  129. I don't know what I'd do in your shoes, I know nothing I can say or do will help. As a parent, it's just unimaginable and I'm so sorry you or anybody else ever has to endure something like this.

  130. My heart really aches for you. I can not image what kind of shape I would be in if I lost a child. I really hope you and your family can stay strong through this really rough time. God bless xx

  131. There are no words…… My heart weeps for you and your family! :*( I am sending you love, light, and strength…..I am so, so , so very sorry….May we all hold our children close…..

  132. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Elias was a beautiful boy. I know where you are right now because I lost my 5 year old son very suddenly less than 3 months ago. It is a very frightening and dark place but I'm told it gets easier to deal with. It can't get any more difficult right? I have started a blog to record my "recovery" Please feel free to have a look and perhaps we can keep in touch for support.There are lots of blogs that have been started by parents who have been where we are and I find them helpful and supportive. My blog is:http://lifewithoutjude.wordpress.com/My thoughts are with you and your family,Fionaxx

  133. I am sitting here trying to wrap my head around this, as you were as you wrote this post. Things like this should not happen. As the mother of a three year old, I can imagine the pain you are in right now. That your family is in. My heart hurts for all of you, and my prayers will be for you as you seek to come to terms with your loss. I am so very sorry.

  134. My heart goes out to you and your family….there are just no words for the heartache you must be going through. I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers.Many blessings,Jill

  135. I don't know you, but as a fellow mom, my heart breaks for you. I can't imagine the grief you are going through right now. Crying, anger…you must be feeling it all. I wish I could do more than post words on your blog, but I hope you know there are many complete strangers out there who are praying for you & your family. (HUGS)

  136. I am so sorry. So very sorry. My heart hurts so bad just hearing this, and I don't know you or your sweet Bow. Today I'm finishing decorations for my son's birthday party. The whole time I'm punching holes in his pennet banner, I'm thinking of your sweet boy. Of you, and how I'm certain you would leap at the chance to do the same. If there was something I could do to take away the pain, I would. I just can't bring your baby back. :'( If you can, ask another family member to plan the funeral and check with you for approval rather than try to plan it yourself. Or at least have them plan the food, if you don't have a church that automatically arranges that. This is going to rock your family. Cling to each other, grieve with each other, and keep the blame and shouting at God. He can take it. How I wish I could just give you a big hug and cry with you – I dearly hope and pray you have someone there who will do that, whenever you need.

  137. My name is Brooke and I am Alyssa's friend. I know this sounds repetitive, but I am deeply sorry for your loss. I have never met you or your family, but when I heard the news I felt such sorrow. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

  138. Amanda, there are no words to express my sorrow for you…only tears. Please know that if there is anything you need, I'm here!! Your family is in my thoughts<3'sJenn Warm

  139. I saw your story on a mom's group on Facebook and my heart is breaking for your family. As a mom myself, I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through, but my heart and stomach ache just thinking about it. You and your family are in my prayers. -Jessica, Atlanta GA

  140. Dear Amanda and Family: I am so very sorry for your loss. You may not know me but I have been thru what you are going thru. Prayers for you guys that you have the strength to get thru this very rough time.

  141. there are no words. i am so so sorry for your loss. there's no way in this earth to see the purposes in heaven and i'm not sure it would ease a mother's heart even if she could see the reasons behind the bigger picture. i have a three year old and i am grieving for you. i will keep your family in our prayers.

  142. HelloSomeone commented on my blog asking for me to speak to you. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your son. I lost my daughter. She was 8 weeks shy of her 4th birthday, so about the same age as your son. Catherine died of an over-whelming infection, but she went from being a healthy girl WHO I NEVER EXPECTED TO DIE, to being dead in a matter of hours.At the moment, I know you are reeling. It is hard to even take it. You can't believe that this can have happened to you. It feels surreal. And the pain is just mind-blowing. It doesn't feel possible that anyone can hurt this must and still exist – or maybe you are still feeling numb?I am so sorry. I just want you to know that you are going to survive, and that there is a big community out there of people who have lost children who understand, and will be there for you.You can find me on blog: http://www.susansobspot.blogspot.com if you want to chat. It may take some days or weeks or months even before you want to do that, I know.Wishing you strenght in the days that follow. X x

  143. I'm so sorry. I lost my son almost three years ago when he was run over crossing the road. It takes such a long time to get over the initial shock and begin to allow the horror of it all filter through. Try to take as good care of you and yours as you can. I'm thinking of you. Beverley

  144. I am sooo very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the heartache you must feel. my prayers are with you and your family. may God help you through this. He was a beautiful little boy.

  145. As a Mom to Mom, my heart aches for you and your family. I pray that God would give you and your husband the strength that you need and that He comfort you both during this difficult time.

  146. I really don't know you well Amanda and have visited occasionally to your site. I am truly so so sorry for your loss. I hope some day you can see the sun shine again. I wish I could reach my hands out and give you a hug.Once again so sorry.kevin

  147. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I wish no parent ever had to endure the pain of losing a child. My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time. Huge virtual hugs.

  148. Like everyone, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. There are no words that can take away the pain you and your family are feeling. Just know that myself and everyone else who has commented is keeping you in their thoughts. Just take things day by day and know that things will be hard but you will make it through this. We are here for you, just let us know what we can do.

  149. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I wish I had words to comfort you. No one can explain the loss of a child. It doesn't make sense. There are no answers. Praying for you and your family.

  150. Amanda & Family, I am so, so, so very sorry for your loss. Nothing anyone can say or do will take away the pain you are experiencing and I am so very sorry for that. I pray that you find comfort in your family and knowing that so many others are out there praying for you, Bow, & your family. I also pray that one day soon you will have the answers to all your questions because you deserve them so much. My heart aches for you and you will continue to be in my family's prayers.

  151. My heart goes out to you. I have a friend who had the same thing happen to one of her 3 year old twin boys. So sad and it can never be understood. Will pray for all of you tonight

  152. Oh Amanda, I really wish I could jump through this screen and hug your family. I am so sorry this happened to you and your family. Your family is in our prayers. Sending bagillions of virtual hugs to you and your family. If you and your family need anything, do not hesitate to contact us. We are here to help in any way we can.

  153. I bursted into tears as I read this post, I don't know what I would do if I were ever faced with this type of loss, my heart goes out you and your family and my prayers that one day you'll find peace in your heart. Much Love from my family to yours and all of my blog readers and follower at Immutable Ramblings!!!

  154. You and your family are in my prayers! I know the pain of losing a child. My heart aches for you all.May God keep Elias in his loving arms and ease your pain. Sending lots of love and hugs to you and your family.Hugs,Erica

  155. Amanda, I read your post with tears streaming down my face. I have also lost a son and it was fairly sudden. You are good parents, you do everything right and unfortunatly crappy things happen to good people. Why? I don't think we will ever have the answer. If you ever want to chat, please feel free to contact me raybran4 (at) gmail.com

  156. I'm so truly sorry for your loss. I don't even know what to say, there are no words to take away your heartache and pain. My thoughts are with you and your family.

  157. My heart aches for you. I cannot imagine how you're feeling but know that you're in the thoughts of many people, and maybe our strength will help you through. Bright blessings on your family.

  158. I am so sorry for your & your families loss! I cannot even fathom what you are going through. I do not even know you personally, but your story has touched so many lives including mine! When you get the chance visit:http://www.agoodgrief.com/The woman that runs the site is amazing and has lived thru the loss of a child. God bless you and your family at this time.

  159. We are praying for you and your family. There are no words that are going to help just know that you are loved and we will continue to pray for you. Time while does provide some healing, God certainly can sustain you through this. Nothing will ever take the place of your precious little boy. You are loved, Chris Koppel (Myrtle Beach, SC)

  160. OMG That's terrible, I'm SO sorry. Your other kids, they must be so confused. I wish I could help in some way. I hope you have a support network where you live. HUGS

  161. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. No parent should have to outlive their children. I hope someone is able to at least provide you some answers.

  162. There are no words for me to share with you. I'm sorry does not take the hurt away. It doesn't bring your little one back. I have not lost a child and can only imagine your pain right now, but please know that I am truly sorry that you are having to experience something like this. I do not know your beliefs, but my beliefs are that there is a Higher Power and that everything happens for a reason. While that reason may be unknown or down right cruel in your case, please know that he will always be with you, watching over you, in your hearts. I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers during this time.

  163. I'm so sorry for your loss… as a mom, I cannot imagine what you are feeling right now. My heart goes out to you and your family and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

  164. Amanda, I am so terribly sorry for the nightmare that you are living through. As a mother I can only imagine the heartache you and your family are experiencing, but I know I truly cannot fathom the real pain and confusion you are going through. You will be in my prayers.

  165. Hi, Amanda. This is my first time to visit your blog, and it breaks my heart that this be the first post I'd be reading from your site.I know words are not enough to comfort you right now, and there isn't anything that can take away the pain. But through time, and with love and support from the people who care for you and your family, the pain will eventually go away. Grief is inevitable, but do not blame yourself for what happened. It isn't something that any mother or any person would have wanted or even deemed possible.I am going through the same pain as you are. Two weeks ago, my beloved dog passed away because of leptospirosis. I loved him so much. I love him still. He's been with us for almost six years; he was even the ring bearer at our wedding. He was no ordinary dog; he was part of the family. For awhile I blamed myself for his death, thinking that if I could have done this or that he may have been alive right now. But the more I blamed myself, the more it hurt, the more I got angry. I didn't want to self-destruct, so little by little I stopped the blame game and started to accept the fact that he is no longer with me. It still hurts, and I miss him very very much. But I just keep in mind that he's in a better place now.I hope through time, you will be eased of the pain and suffering. God bless you and your family. And God bless your angel Elias.

  166. I'm so sorry for you loss. There are not words to convey how sorry I am. I can't even imagine the pain your family is going through. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

  167. I am terribly sorry for you loss and all that you will now have to go through as a family. I am a new reader to your blog. I can see from the number of comments and the words that people have written that you are loved. Take care of each other. Peace to you and your family.

  168. I am soooooooo sad!!!!! Just know that I am praying for u and your family and that they will find some comfort through the Lord!! I know nothing I can say will make u feel better!! I am sooo sorry!!

  169. Oh amanda….my heart breaks for you. I can't even imagine and reading your post brings me to tears. I am so so sorry. No parent should ever have to lose their baby. Nothing I say will make it better, but I am praying for you and your family.

  170. I am praying for your family. This puts a huge panic into me. My son is the same age as your son, and its so scary that this can happen. I am so so sorry. I know that your boy is in heaven now but I'm so sad to know that he left so soon. I can't imagine what it must be like. I will continue to pray for your family. I'm just so sorry.

  171. I am at a loss for words. I am so very, very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the pain you and your family are going through right now. Losing a child is something you should never, ever have to go through. I hope that you are able to find peace one day and find strength within or through a support system. My thoughts and prayers go out to your family.

  172. No words can even touch what I'd like to protray. No words can make a loss of your son any better. I just hope for you that the wonderful memories, family, and supports you have will help ease you through this incredilby challenging time. ~ Julie, Northern BC Canada

  173. Oh, sweetie… my heart is broken for you, and I'm a complete stranger. I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through right now. Strength to you, and peace… though neither of those sound feasible today, you will find both. I am so incredibly sorry… All blessings to you and your precious family. For sweet little Elias, peace be the journey…

  174. I don't know you and you don't know me but my heart felt prayers are going out to you and your family. Sometimes there doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason for these kind of tragedies but God will bring you comfort like no one else can. I'm praying for you in your time of grief. I wish there was more I could do but I know that I can pray if nothing else so I'm praying and putting you and your family in our Prayer Line! God bless you and comfort you

  175. I cannot express in words my sympathies. Elias looks like my son, Kepha, who's birthday is April 10, and who has breathing/asthma issues. Were I to lose him, the pain would be unbearable. I cannot fathom how you feel, but know that my prayers are with you and your family.

  176. A friend shared your blog with me. I am so sorry to learn about the loss of your son. I will pray that God wraps his loving arms around your family. Lean on Him. God will provide you the love and comfort in this difficult time.Scott Swan

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