Sunday was four weeks since Elias died. I feel bad that I didn’t write anything Sunday. Not that it matters. It won’t bring him back.
Saturday we had our niece’s birthday party. Sunday we had my Mom’s birthday party.
Also, for supper Sunday, we went to the Mexican restaurant up the road from us. The one where, when he was younger and smaller, they used to take Elias back to the kitchen with them when they made guacamole for him. It was always one of Elias’ favorite place to eat. As we were at the register paying for our meal, one of the usual waiters asked us where the other amigo was. At that point, it was all I could do to stammer out that he had died four weeks ago that day. I felt bad for him because I know he felt bad and there’s no way he could have known. He took my hand and held it for a few moments. He seemed very saddened by the news. As we were leaving, even though I don’t speak Spanish, I got the impression that some of the other waiters who were nearby were questioning him about what just took place and he was explaining to them.
Last Thursday evening, I found myself seated on the floor with Noah in my lap and Ceili Fey close by. Noah looked again at the pictures in the locket I was wearing and told me that Bow was dead. I know I had just told him that a few hours prior, but it was so hard to hear. Just so hard to hear from him. I know that he doesn’t really know what “dead” even means, other than not with him anymore.
Jon and I have an appointment this Friday to meet with a therapist. I suppose it’s good timing since not only is this Sunday – did I mention I HATE Sundays now?? – Easter Sunday but Monday would have been Elias’ fourth birthday. Talk about a double whammy. I can only imagine the appointment will do us both some good. I can’t stop randomly crying and Jon is so angry – way more so than he normally is – that some days it feels like all he does is yell and berate me. I just can’t stand it.
I bought some books for the kids that I thought might help them. Did you know our local library (Lebanon, Indiana) does not have any children’s book about death and/or grief?? My mom checked. They said no. As we go, I will try to post about the best ones I bought in the hopes that it might help someone else. I will probably buy 2-3 of the ones I liked best to donate to the library in Elias’ memory. It seems fitting. He loved being read to.