Lately, I’ve been having some weird issues with not being able to sleep at night. I lay there for a couple of hours, unable to get to sleep. It’s frustrating. I’m not sure what the problem is although part of the reason I cannot sleep is because I just can’t shut off my thoughts so that I could actually sleep. I replay the day, or certain situations from the day, in many cases going over and over and over what I did wrong, what I could have done differently…. It’s exhausting, or at least, it should be.
Sometimes various thoughts and concerns enter. I’ve been pretty perplexed about religion. I have been having a great many doubts for awhile now. I just don’t know what to think.
I spent summers (and every school break that was more than a day or two) with my grandparents, who were uber-religious. Any time I tried to question anything in the Bible or the religion, it was met with stern displeasure and I was told that I was just to believe and never question. Ever. So I carried most of my doubts and questions quietly.
After my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, I was able to see that she wasn’t all there mentally about many things and hadn’t been for some time – possibly most of my life – which made me question how many other things she was “not all there” about, including religion.
Fast forward to today. I’m left with oh-so-many doubts and questions that just don’t seem answerable. If it was just me, it wouldn’t seem all that big of a deal but I have children and I am at a loss for what to teach them. I have deep pangs of guilt for not involving them – and us – in church, yet when we go, I feel like an impostor. It’s all just very draining.