Happy sixth birthday, Elias

Elias - Dec 2011


To my son, on what should have been your sixth birthday,

Elias, I miss you so much, more than I can ever convey in words. We still have no idea why you left us so soon. I feel as though we’ve failed you by being unable to afford the tests for the old house. Unfortunately, $10,000 is a lot to come by.

I also feel like we’ve failed you by not having the stone put in place on your grave. It took so long to finally get it together, I realize. It’s just so hard and so final when you actually have to sign off on the paper that approves a grave marker. I had no idea how difficult such a thing could even be. By the time we finally got it together and signed that paper, we were in for such a rough winter that there was no way it could have been put in. For that I am sorry.

In just a few hours we’ll be going out to the cemetery to celebrate your short life and release balloons in your favorite colors and ponder what might have been. It’s just not right to have to have your birthday at a cemetery.

I wish we had never heard of Walker Farms. I wish we’d never moved to Whitestown. Maybe you’d still be alive and we’d be having birthday cake with you tonight.

Bow, we all love and miss you so much it hurts.

Our scare with Noah

On Friday, Jon and I had to take Noah to the ER after Noah threw up and lost the ability to use his left side.

It was weird. He fell to his knees at preschool, started crying, indicated something with his head, asked to go home but they were able to calm him down and distract him until time to be picked up – they only go a few hours. I wish they had called me right away when he asked to go home, but I can’t go back an undo that.
We took him to lunch and he was falling over, I had to catch him twice just coming across the threshold of our office to leave for lunch. Jon just thought he was super tired. Then, at lunch, his eyes rolled back in his head, and he fell asleep on my lap for a bit. Jon saw that as he was directly across from Noah, but didn’t mention it ’til later. Had I been aware, I would have insisted we get him checked out.
Noah woke up, threw up, then tried to eat a little bit. Suddenly he looked at me and told me that his hand stopped working. We tried to get him to pick up a cracker and a crayon and he couldn’t.
We took him straight to hospital to get checked out. They did a CT scan but nothing showed up.
They had us schedule with a pediatric neurologist that the ER doc consulted with over the phone. I guess he said that generally in a case like this, it’s either migraines or seizures.
While I’d much rather it be migraines, I’ve never had my eyes roll back in my head due to a migraine.
And some children that lived there in our old neighborhood (Walker Farms, in Whitestown, Indiana) did have unexplained seizures.
So, we’re scared.

That’s all we know right now. All we can do is just wait ’til his appointment this Friday.

Autopsy results

I sat down and actually read the autopsy today. That’s some reading material that no mama should ever have to read. It’s just so not right. Or fair.

I knew the results before today. I had the coroner give me the paraphrased version of the results, including the cause of death (acute pneumonia due to RSV). I just hadn’t actually read it before… I couldn’t bring myself to. But today, today I am angry. I am angry because I believe that there is some sort of environmental cause for Elias’ death and I believe that the powers-that-be in the town of Whitestown know – or at the very least, suspect – something is wrong.

I just wish we knew why his cadmium and chromium levels were so high. There’s just no satisfactory explanation at all. Even more troubling is the fact that a nearby family tested positive for large doses of metals in their system. This should not be in a new housing addition. So what gives here? And why will no one help us find answers??

Two months today

It’s hard to fathom that Elias has been dead two months now. He should have been at home, playing trains and fighting with Noah over whether they should watch Chuggington or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

It’s hard to even know what to say here. What I do know is that the support and outreach that we have received from so many people has made everything a little more bearable.

I’m sorry that I cannot write more… I know I have not written much lately. Things have just been so intense that I haven’t been able to even think about writing.

We are moving the bulk of our belongings tomorrow. We have to get out of Whitestown. I cannot bear to lose another child and I very much fear that, if we continue to live there, it may happen. After all, as many already know, Elias was the third child to die in our neighborhood since last October/November. My fear is that it is just a matter of time.

I miss you so much, little buddy.