My baby Elias is gone

This morning around 10:15 am, I found my beautiful baby, our three year old, Elias, dead in his bed. When we checked on him earlier, he was snoring. What happened between that time, we have no idea. What I do know is that this is something no parent should ever have to know.

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Elias loved when his sister would do goofy things with his hair

Bow (pronounced like take a bow), as he was known to his family, was such a sharp little fellow. Smart as a whip. I just knew he would grow up to do great things. Only, now he won’t.

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Noah (left) and Elias (right) loved playing robot with grocery sacks

Last night, Bow was playing the bathtub with his brothers. Today he’s gone. How do you wrap your head around that?

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Elias being read to by Ceili Fey
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Elias was a thumb sucker, mostly when tired or not feeling well

Noah just knows that his brother went to the hospital. He doesn’t get that Bow is not coming back. Ceili Fey gets it and she’s very upset. How do we comfort her? How do you tell a child that she won’t lose another brother – or her own life – because, apparently it does happen; it just happened. How do you explain to a child that her brother is gone and you just don’t know why?

Elias hospital pic

Noah is sleeping in Ceili Fey’s room tonight. Their choice. When I just went upstairs and Ceili Fey told me that she keeps waking Noah up every time he sounds phleghmy. She’s terrified she’ll lost him, too.

Jon went upstairs for awhile and check on Henry. Twice. It’s hard to put them down for nap/bed when we’re terrified they won’t wake up. Sure there’s that whole thing about lightning not striking twice but what were the odds of this happening in the first place?

I just don’t get it. We try to live right. We’re good parents. We care deeply for our children and do everything for them. We’re good people. We don’t do bad things to other people. Yet, something like this happens. Why? I don’t believe we deserved it. I know Elias didn’t.

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Elias was super excited about being a big brother again when Henry was born
(From left to right, my father, Henry, Elias, Ceili Fey, Noah)

Bow loved playing trains and would build very elaborate tracks stretching from our loft to the bedroom he shares with Noah.

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I miss him so much.

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His laughter was infectious

I’m writing this because I don’t know what else to do with myself right now. Jon keeps asking me “What do we do now?” and I have no answer. I’m not sure I ever will.

Elias would have been four on 9, April. We were supposed to be celebrating his birthday, not planning his funeral.