Updating on our week from hell

This Friday (9, March 2012) we will bury our son, Elias. We miss him so much.

I had such great plans for him. I was so sure he would grow up and do great things, touch many lives. I had no idea that it would be this way.

People have been wonderful. So many have brought food and things, including things for Ceili Fey’s birthday, which was Tuesday. Some people have even donated money. I am so grateful to them all. Even as much as this hurts, as painful as this is, and as devastated as I am, all of the support we have received has really renewed my faith in humanity.

Today family came over and brought supper. It was so hard to look at their son, just a few months younger than Elias, knowing that Elias should have been here, playing with his cousin. They always played so well together.

I learned earlier today that the coroner got some of the cultures back. Elias tested positive for RSV. Due to this, there was concern about the tests done Monday. The kids went back and had them redone this afternoon.

Here is what our week looked/looks like:

  • Monday: get all surviving children swabbed for RSV; go to accountant’s office because business taxes are due earlier than personal; go to mortuary and make arrangements, including casket
  • Tuesday: go to cemetery and pick out a burial plot
  • Wednesday: take Elias’ clothes to the mortuary; get children swabbed for RSV; pick out music for visitation 
  • Thursday: burn a CD with music to play at the visitation on Friday
  • Friday: be at mortuary at 11; visitation from 12:00 – 2:00; funeral at 2:00; come home; greet everyone coming back with us; after they go home, curl up in a ball and cry 

Here’s the music I have picked out. Hopefully it’s not too offensive.
In alphabetical order:
Enya – “A Day Without Rain” (instrumental)
Five for Fighting – “All I Know”
Sarah McLachlan – “Angel”
Alison Krauss – “Baby Mine”
The Williams Brothers – “Can’t Cry Hard Enough”
Celine Dion – “Fly”
Meat Loaf – “Forever Young”
The Dixie Chicks – “Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)” 
Jeff Buckley – “Hallelujah”
Anastacia – “How Come the World Won’t Stop”
Eva Cassidy – “I Know You By Heart”
Chris Cornell – “I Promise It’s Not Goodbye”
Sarah McLachlan – “I Will Remember You”
Enya – “If I Could Be Where You Are”
The Beatles – “In My Life”
Billy Joel – “Lullabye (Goodnight My Angel)”
The Muppets – “Mah Na Mah Na”
Metallica – “Nothing Else Matters”
Apocalyptica – “Nothing Else Matters” (instrumental)
Diamond Rio – “One More Day”
James Blunt – “Tears and Rain”
Eric Clapton – “Tears in Heaven”
Faith Hill – “There You’ll Be”
Josh Groban – “To Where You Are”
Enya – “Trains and Winter Rains”
Randy Newman – “We Belong Together”
Kenny Chesney – “Who You’d Be Today”
Randy Newman – “You’ve Got a Friend in Me”

Here are the obits:

My baby Elias is gone

This morning around 10:15 am, I found my beautiful baby, our three year old, Elias, dead in his bed. When we checked on him earlier, he was snoring. What happened between that time, we have no idea. What I do know is that this is something no parent should ever have to know.

Elias loved when his sister would do goofy things with his hair

Bow (pronounced like take a bow), as he was known to his family, was such a sharp little fellow. Smart as a whip. I just knew he would grow up to do great things. Only, now he won’t.

Noah (left) and Elias (right) loved playing robot with grocery sacks

Last night, Bow was playing the bathtub with his brothers. Today he’s gone. How do you wrap your head around that?

Elias being read to by Ceili Fey
Elias was a thumb sucker, mostly when tired or not feeling well

Noah just knows that his brother went to the hospital. He doesn’t get that Bow is not coming back. Ceili Fey gets it and she’s very upset. How do we comfort her? How do you tell a child that she won’t lose another brother – or her own life – because, apparently it does happen; it just happened. How do you explain to a child that her brother is gone and you just don’t know why?

Elias hospital pic

Noah is sleeping in Ceili Fey’s room tonight. Their choice. When I just went upstairs and Ceili Fey told me that she keeps waking Noah up every time he sounds phleghmy. She’s terrified she’ll lost him, too.

Jon went upstairs for awhile and check on Henry. Twice. It’s hard to put them down for nap/bed when we’re terrified they won’t wake up. Sure there’s that whole thing about lightning not striking twice but what were the odds of this happening in the first place?

I just don’t get it. We try to live right. We’re good parents. We care deeply for our children and do everything for them. We’re good people. We don’t do bad things to other people. Yet, something like this happens. Why? I don’t believe we deserved it. I know Elias didn’t.

Elias was super excited about being a big brother again when Henry was born
(From left to right, my father, Henry, Elias, Ceili Fey, Noah)

Bow loved playing trains and would build very elaborate tracks stretching from our loft to the bedroom he shares with Noah.


I miss him so much.

20 22
His laughter was infectious

I’m writing this because I don’t know what else to do with myself right now. Jon keeps asking me “What do we do now?” and I have no answer. I’m not sure I ever will.

Elias would have been four on 9, April. We were supposed to be celebrating his birthday, not planning his funeral.