Happy Fifth Birthday, Noah!

To Noah, on your fifth birthday. Yes, I know this is a bit late – your birthday was the 21st – but things have kept me super busy and I’ve not posted much.

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It’s hard to believe that you’re going to be starting kindergarten later this year. This is at such an exciting moment, yet is also colored with some wistfulness. You were supposed to have a bigger brother – and best friend – who was going to ride the bus with you and help you to adjust to the new things at school… I’m sorry that was not to be.

Even though you’ll have to go it alone, I’m very confident that you can do it. You’re doing wonderfully in pre-k and I just know you’ll continue to do wonderfully once you start kindergarten. You’ve made some good friends already who will be going to school with you – perhaps you’ll even be on the bus with one of them.

Noah spring

You’ve been through a lot in your life, little buddy. I would like to be able to tell you that nothing bad will happen in your life ever again, but things don’t work like that. All we can do is take what we’re given, do the best we can, and hope for the best. In your case, I’m certain you’ll do great!

Happy fifth birthday, little guy.

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Happy sixth birthday, Elias

Elias - Dec 2011


To my son, on what should have been your sixth birthday,

Elias, I miss you so much, more than I can ever convey in words. We still have no idea why you left us so soon. I feel as though we’ve failed you by being unable to afford the tests for the old house. Unfortunately, $10,000 is a lot to come by.

I also feel like we’ve failed you by not having the stone put in place on your grave. It took so long to finally get it together, I realize. It’s just so hard and so final when you actually have to sign off on the paper that approves a grave marker. I had no idea how difficult such a thing could even be. By the time we finally got it together and signed that paper, we were in for such a rough winter that there was no way it could have been put in. For that I am sorry.

In just a few hours we’ll be going out to the cemetery to celebrate your short life and release balloons in your favorite colors and ponder what might have been. It’s just not right to have to have your birthday at a cemetery.

I wish we had never heard of Walker Farms. I wish we’d never moved to Whitestown. Maybe you’d still be alive and we’d be having birthday cake with you tonight.

Bow, we all love and miss you so much it hurts.