I was chatting with someone the other day and that was the inspiration for this post.
Do I believe in God? I don’t honestly know. I’ve been struggling with that for a long time.
For several years now I’ve had so many doubts about the existence of a god. Elias’ death hasn’t really resolved anything in that regard. My initial reaction to those that tried to comfort me with how God was taking care of him was that of, what sort of God would take my baby from me? But, that was just a knee-jerk reaction to the situation. Even when I did believe in God, I always believed that He didn’t do things or not do things to us; I always felt that we were essentially a great big science experiment to him, that he never really intervened.
So, no, Elias’ death didn’t change anything for me as far as believing or not believing. It’s something I struggle with almost daily. I wish I knew the answer.
I also envy people who can just believe. I cannot.
After Elias died, I begged and pleaded that it be just a horrific nightmare, that none of it was true. I begged and pleaded that Elias be given back to me. Silly, I know. I can only imagine that’s all normal, just part of the process that one goes through. Obviously none of that happened, not that I truly expected it to.
It all brings me back to the same point when asked about my belief in God. Do I? I just don’t know.