Be careful what you wish for

I started dreaming again several weeks back for the first time since Elias died. I know I didn’t mention it here or to anyone, really, but it bothered me that I wasn’t dreaming at all. I wanted to dream again. At least dreams are a bit of an escape from everything.

Admittedly, I was also a little jealous of Jon as well as my mother, both of whom had had dreams of Elias. My mom didn’t go into detail but the dream Jon told me about involved Elias playing at a playground with some other kids and just having a great time. Maybe it was nothing, maybe it was Elias telling us he’s okay. I don’t know.

I just don’t know what to think about anything. Things are even more confusing for me now than they were before. It’s pretty damn hard to believe that there’s a God or that, if there is, he doesn’t hate me.

In any case, the only dreams I’ve been having are nightmares. Rather awful and bizarre ones, too. And to think, it wasn’t too long ago I was wishing I could dream again. Be careful what you wish for, eh?

2 thoughts on “Be careful what you wish for”

  1. So sorry Amanda:( Everyone takes stress/heartache in different ways. The cause for nightmares could be your new little one(hormones) or just overwhelming stress. Please do not give up on faith. He is doing well and is in a much happier place now. No, I do not feel your pain, nor have I, but I know how strong you are and a very good mom. The time will come again for you, not only to dream, but to be holding Elias again in your arms.

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