A gravestone for Elias

Today Jon and I went to see a guy about a gravestone for Bow’s grave. Do you have any idea how hard that is to wrap your mind around: Picking out a gravestone for your baby boy? Words truly cannot express how wrong that is, how hard that is. And I just keep coming back to why? Why did this happen to our baby? Why did this happen to our beautiful boy? Why did this happen to our family??

It’s days like this that I feel as though I could just curl up and die. It’s hard as hell to go on living knowing that my baby is gone.Yes, I know that I have other children that I must continue caring for. Don’t worry – I won’t go off and kill myself – I couldn’t do that to my other babies. They’ve all been through enough. It’s just that I feel such a depth of despair that I had no idea was even possible.

I wish I knew how Jon was feeling. He hasn’t really shown any emotion since the funeral. I don’t even begin to know how to take that. I’m the only one that gets upset and breaks down… It’s almost as though, after the funeral, Jon just put it all in a box and forgot about it. I wish I could do that. Mostly, I just wish I knew how he was feeling. I try to ask but don’t really get anything out of him. 

The stone we picked out was black granite. We are going to have a train etched on it, we just have to find the right one.

7 thoughts on “A gravestone for Elias”

  1. I cant even imagine what you are going through. Im thinking about you and your family. I know its probably very difficult and very upsetting to your husband but you guys are a team. Express everything with your husband and other chilsren cause trust me it will all resurface again one day if you don't. Grieving is a process. My parents died when i was 16/17 years old and i still am not over it and don't really talk about it. And i know how its affected my body physically and mentally. God bless your family in everything you do.

  2. You don't need to do the gravestone yet if it is too hard for you. It isn't uncommon for bereaved parents to leave it for years. It is just so wrong – it is too hard. I still don't know what to write, and Catherine has been gone for nearly 2 years.It is really common for fathers and mothers to grieve differently. You will probably feel angry with him. Why isn't he reacting like me? Why isn't he cross with the same people? Why doesn't that get to him? Yet, I can pretty much guarantee he feels just as bad. He loves your son as much. He misses him as much. He's just doing his grief different. Grief is a very personal thing.When our daughter first died, all I wanted to do was visit her grave. My husband didn't want to go at all. Now, we have swapped. He goes. I don't. It means nothing.Over time, I've come to accept that diffent things get to us, and different things comfort us. Diana Doyle (Sunshine in a Blue Cup) wrote a blog on how her daughter's death affected her marriage. Maybe go have a look. But don't worry.Just concentrate on being there for each other as much as you can, and accepting how you may need different stuff now. So, if you need to talk, and he can't bear it – maybe let him be for now, but find someone who you can talk to… and he will need to accept that you need to do that talking, and let you do it.Keep going – early days x

  3. I'm so sorry this is hard and I'm sure Jon keeping his emotions bottled up is very hard for you. There's one thing I'm sure of though, that is that you son has not forgotten about it. It may just be too much for him to deal with and so he is doing his best not to, or he might be trying to be strong for you. We all have to grieve in our own ways. No parent should ever have to lose a child.

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