3 weeks today

It’s been three weeks today. I hate Sundays now.

Yesterday I realized that I get a double whammy here in a couple weeks. Easter Sunday on the 8th, followed by Elias’ birthday on the 9th. I can’t do this. I don’t know how.

Last night we had a big scare. Ceili Fey started freaking out, yelling for me/us to come upstairs. Jon and I about knocked each other down trying to get to the stairs, thinking the worst. I truly expected to find Noah dead or dying. She meets us on the landing – she’s crying – and tells us that Uber (our big, old, gray cat) just bit one of the glow bracelets that she and Noah were playing with in bed. She’s terrified Uber is going to die.

It took forever for my heart-rate to get back to normal.

Then earlier, Noah looked at a picture of Elias. When I asked him who it was, he said he didn’t know. I was so scared that Noah had already forgotten him. Luckily, tonight when Noah “snuck” back downstairs, and looked at a picture of Elias, he pointed and said, “Bow!” I felt like I could breathe a little bit more then.

I was given a locket shortly after Elias’ death that I have worn several times. Last week, when I was wearing it, Noah kept coming up to see the pictures inside. Since I don’t think they make lockets for little boys, I bought him a 2 Sided Dog Tag necklace from Daddy Dolls – a great website that caters to children of deployed military parents – that I think he’ll love. I also found a place that shrinks photos to locket size so that Ceili Fey can have pictures of Bow for her locket as well.

I think at some point in the future, I will buy either the photo pillow or the photo pillowcases for the kids. I will probably let Ceili Fey pick out her favorite pictures of Elias to include.

Perhaps I should be glad that we’ve made it through another day, another week beyond losing our wonderful son. I just can’t. All I can focus on are the things that he’ll never get to experience, or the places he’ll never get to go again… the thought of going on a vacation without him is unbearable to me. I cannot stand the knowledge that I’ll never get to hear his infectious laughter ever again. How the fuck do you just go on from here?? HOW????? And I’m so angry. I’m angry that it was my son! I’m angry that so many other people’s children lived after contracting RSV. I’m angry that there are little 3 – almost 4 – year old boys that are alive right now, and MINE ISN’T. That’s. Just. Not. Fucking. Fair.

7 thoughts on “3 weeks today”

  1. You have every right to be angry. It's so not fair. You shouldn't have to be going through this, and i'm so sorry that you are. I say, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. And lean on those around you. ((Hugs))

  2. No, it's not fair. It is totally shit. I know it feels unbearable – and you never get over, and you get used to it. BUT, you do learn to cope better with it. After nearly 2 years, my motto now is: It is not the life we planned, but it is still a good life. You won't feel like that now, I know. It takes a lot of hurting before you get anywhere near there.I love the ideas for the lockets. It is really positive you've found such loving ways of continuing to include Elias. I'm sure this will really help the children.The incident with puss – I'm sorry, it sounds horrible. I'm also sorry to say it is a very typical experience for a bereaved parent. For the rest of the world, our child has died – they process that in a few days or so – it is a single event that doesn't alter their world view. For us, our entire perspective has shifted. It is terrifying – we are learning how to live again in a new world that doesn't make much sense at first. Just know you did good – you came to the children, you were ready to jump in – and you reassured them.Grief is horrible – the anger is part of it. Not knowing how you'll get through days like your son's birthday – it is unbelievably hard – but you will. Sending you much love x

  3. A mutual friend of our told me about your loss and I just can not imagine. I know I have lost peopl I loved but to lose a child…well I don't think I would be coping as well as you are. I know its not fair, and I wish this had never happened to you. My prayers are with you and your family and I truely hope one day the pain will become more bearable because I can't imagine it will go away completely.

  4. Anger is expected. Sadness is expected. And getting through the first days, weeks, months, first year will be a nightmare. Some thing may never get better or easier. But what I know about you is that you are a passionate woman and you will honor Elias in your family and in your life for all the days to come- from joyful to sorrowful.

  5. I really wish there was a magic wand that would give our children back and take away the pain. Your feelings are okay. Always remember that. They are yours and you have the right to feel the way you do. I understand the anger. I had a wonderful son. I could just see the man he would soon be. Then he was just gone. It has been six years and I still cannot be around one of my nephews. I am ashamed to say that I wonder why my son is gone and my nephew is here. Not that I wish ill towards my nephew, but in the contributing to society area, my son deserves props. Those thoughts are okay. I have learned to live with the pain, but it does not go away. Some days are better than others, but none are as good as the worst days from before.My heart is with you and please feel free to contact me anytime you need an ear or shoulder.

Comments are closed.